Before joining Winsborough Ltd, I worked as a military psychologist, and part of my role took me to Afghanistan to support our troops. A key aspect of my job was building trust with the soldiers to reduce the stigma around seeking help. To do this, I would often visit the mess-hall during downtime or go around camp and have casual chats. While these were friendly conversations, I always had to be mindful that the person I spoke with could be my client the next day, requiring a careful navigation of boundaries.
Being a leader is no different as we have to build trust and buy-in, but we also have to hold staff to account and at times performance manage or let staff go. Leaders sit on a spectrum of comfort when it comes to personal disclosure – from the nudge to "Let people in a bit more" to the awkward moment of "TMI, Boss!"
The challenge for many is about holding boundaries that are comfortable to us. Often we default to a binary public vs. private perspective. A slightly expanded model, that includes three domains - the Professional, Personal, and Private - has been an insightful and effective framework for me in managing this delicate balance; I hope it can be for you too.
The challenge of stepping beyond the professional domain, embracing vulnerability, with a sense of control, can foster stronger, more authentic relationships, without losing boundaries. Stepping out of the professional domain to engage with others (colleagues, team members, stakeholders), on a more personal level can be surprisingly challenging. In a world where work often defines our identity, it’s easy to stay within the comfort zone of tasks, deadlines, and clearly defined roles. Yet, building meaningful connections requires us to step beyond the surface and connect with others as whole people - not just coworkers or stakeholders. For some, navigating this shift can feel uncomfortable or even risky.
The three domains - the Professional, the Personal, and the Private - can help navigate this:
Stepping from the purely professional into the personal can create meaningful connections, fostering trust and collaboration while maintaining healthy boundaries. Venturing into the Personal domain helps us build relationships and connect on a more human level. We do not need to share from the Private domain; this is not the level others are asking for nor expecting when they say “Tell me a bit more about you...”.
As leaders, understanding and maintaining boundaries between these three domains helps us share and connect effectively, avoiding both under- and oversharing. This is also important when team members face challenges at or outside work. While we don't need all the private details, knowing the personal and professional impact enables us, as their leader to understand their needs and provide the best support.
“The art lies in leaning into the Personal – not the Private – to build trust while holding healthy boundaries.”
Unsurprisingly, given I started my career in Denmark and Europe, these three domains come from a Western framework. When I have shared this framework, others have found the insightful and useful as I have. At times however, I have had people then asking "Why should I share more – or ask others to share more?"
The more holistic Te Ao Māori perspective on and approach to relationship building has been invaluable in helping me to bring the "why" of this mahi to life.
“In Aotearoa, Te Ao Māori offers a more holistic view of connections at work...”
Whanaungatanga, the concept of kinship and relationship - building. Engaging with people holistically - recognising and giving dignity not just their professional roles but also their cultural, personal, emotional and spiritual contexts - nurtures trust, fosters a sense of belonging, reciprocity and mutual respect. These are not only important for collaboration and teamwork, but also support positive mental health outcomes – particularly that sense of belonging.
Manaakitanga – hospitality, kindness, generosity, support - the process of showing respect, generosity and care for others. Most of us know the comfort of that feeling - that someone cares for you and "has your back". The act of caring for others and being cared for is a universal human need, and ensures that interactions are grounded in empathy and respect. Research into small military teams also shows that feeling cared for (described as "benevolence" in the original Canadian study) is one of four foundations for relational trust.
Being considered and vulnerable, stepping in to "share a bit more about ourselves" while holding the right boundaries, is a small investment, given the outcome of flourishing and stronger professional and personal relationships, and more resilient partnerships.
Where do you currently draw the line between professional, personal, and private? What's one small way you might 'share a bit more' this week to foster connection?
Image credit: Edwin Tan (iStock)
Need more information? Contact the Winsborough Team:
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